I bounced up from the bed like a spring. I was confused. Dazed. “We’re going streaking!!!” That was all I could hear. Where am I? What am I? Is this a dream? Or a nightmare? I hope I didn’t pee on the bed. Those were my exact thoughts. “5:08 AM” the bedside clock indicated.
I slowly came to. And there was Hana, bouncing around the room like a child on a sugar high. “We’re going streaking!!!” she screamed. Oh God… I was kidding yesterday. She really thinks we’re streaking today? But I forgot to pack my hot bod. “C’mon! Let’s go! We’re going to hit traffic,” Hana urged. Fine. So what if I lose my dignity? No one here knows me anyway. So who cares… am I right?
We hurriedly threw things we’d need for the trip in the car and, half-awake, I started driving to Paia, the last town before the famed circuitous route that everyone told us to visit in Maui. “Can we get some breakfast?” I asked. “No, we have to hurry to beat the traffic. There’s so much to see!” Ugh… Sleepy, hungry, and soon dignity-less, I sped past Paia and we started our journey.
First stop, Twin Falls, too early, closed. Next stop, Jungle Zipline, too early, closed to idiots. WE WERE TOO EARLY FOR EVERYTHING! Agitated, I stopped the car and we walked around dangerously along the road to admire the view for a bit. If this is what the people in Maui see every morning, where do I sign up? Since we were too early for everything, we decided to drive to the end of the road and do this in reverse. Not drive in reverse… that would be both dangerous and hilarious to watch. Anyway, it was the best idea ever!
The road was fun to drive, snaking like a snake (super awesome analogy, right?) and full of insane drivers unwilling to yield. The sign says YIELD when someone is in the single lane bridge YOU MANIACS!!! There were many single lane bridges that day, and I cursed just as many times. Hana told me the locals are mad aggressive. They can spot a tourist with ease. To spot a local was easy too – old truck, full of stickers, arm hanging out the window, hat, angry screaming at silly tourists. Just get out of the way, puny tourists.
8:30 AM, we made it to a small town and stopped for breakfast at the Barefoot Café. Food was good until the sewage folks showed up and starting pumping crap into a giant crap container and drove away. They took my appetite with them. Hana ate my portion like a MONSTER that she was. We walked around the beach. Hana reached for my shorts as though to pull them down. NO! Not here! Not now! I just ate – don’t you know what that does to a man’s figure? Hana laughed. She sprinted back to the car. Phew. Close call. I’m going to have to be on high streaking alert.
Back on the road, we drove quickly to our first OPEN destination, Haleakala National Park and the amazing Seven Sacred Pools. No one was there! Hana and I skipped like school children down to the Pools. We turned the corner and beauty hit us in the face – amazing waterfalls and pools on one side, raging waves crashing against the cliffs on the other. I am going to climb that waterfall and jump into the pool. Nothing was going to stop me unless… Hulk. He could stop me, maybe. The Pools at Ohe’o or Seven Sacred Pools are a series of seven swimming holes connected by waterfalls. Hana and I jumped in. Water was perfect – cool, clear, and undisturbed this early in the morning. She stayed behind while I climbed up the rocks and proceeded to jump off into the pool. Perfection! If I had died right there and then, my life would have been complete.
I wanted to stay there forever and become a freshwater Merman but alas we had to leave the pools. We worked our way up the trail and hiked for hours. Beautiful hike! Along the way we saw more pools and waterfalls, RED ominous signs, and a bamboo forest – in Maui?! Awestruck, I stood there like a statue, admiring the imposing bamboos shooting up to the sky. I turned around and Hana was gone. Oh crap! Streaking alert! I clung tightly to my shorts. Hana’s head popped out from the bushes like a jerk cat. She chuckled, “No, not here. Not yet. We need an audience.” My life is not safe with this woman.
It took us a while to get back to the car and onto our next stop – Hamoa Beach, which quickly became my favorite beach in Maui. The secluded bay included beautiful views and plenty of palm trees for shade. And the waves were powerful, perfect for getting your face slammed and dragged along the sandy bottom. Yes, I enjoyed that part just as much as helplessly boogie boarding the aggressive waves. After two hours in the water, my tattered body dragged itself back to our beach blanket. Hana was still out there body surfing like a pro. She must be a fish! Or a seal! Or some kind of weird human-fish-seal combination! I was convinced.
It was already 3 PM and we had been to only 2 places. We hurried to Waianapanapa State Park, home of the famous Black Sand Beach, Sea Arches, Lava Tubes, Caves, and Blowhole. I was too tired at that point but managed to at least walk around, take pictures and enjoy the views, and they were INCREDIBLE views! The sea arches protruding into the ocean were majestic. And the Black Sand Beach had black sand. It wasn’t as thrilling as I had originally hoped.
We stayed here for quite some time and the place started getting busier. Why were people arriving now? It was so late. I should have known this was the moment Hana was waiting for. Before I realize what was happening, my shorts had departed my body, and Hana was as free as a bird, running around giggling. People were confused and perhaps… full of admiration? Hana headed for the water. “WAIT!” I yelled. Too late. Something overcame her and she kept swimming and all I could do was watched. And just like that, she disappeared into the horizon. She was free. To this day, I still don’t know where she went. But I do know that the next time I come back to Maui, I will travel this path again and this will always be my road, the Road to Hana.
It seems that I’m always getting dumped in the weirdest fashion like when I went on a blind date with Kyoto and she bit me.
Travel on my friends!